I used to be a victim; of physical abuse, of molestation, of sexual abuse and manipulation, of rape. And do any of these ever occur without emotional and mental abuse right along with it? I don't think so. I still deal with the after effects, to this day. I have attempted suicide to escape the pain. I used to self-mutilate in many ways; some subtle like taking boiling hot showers or not eating for four days at a time, others more obvious like cutting myself and overdosing on dangerous drugs. I am saddened at terror I lived with as a child, a teenager, and an adult. I am saddened that I fell back into the patterns of a victim so often, even as I know that I didn't have a template for much else.

Slowly, and at first often sliding back into victim patterns, I became a survivor. I took the terrifying and painful step to begin therapy, shaking all the way. I took the even more horrifying step, for me, of being hospitalized. I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder and Major Depression (recurrent, acute). I went through awful times of smashing glasses in the middle of the night, and walking around in the dead of winter in completely inadequate clothes, and being terrified of leaving my apartment. Slowly, the therapy began to work. My life stabilized, I was away from all my abusers, and I was starting to put myself back together. I didn't have so many nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. I had a good solid support system and a self-protection contract that made sure I didn't overuse that support system and drive my closest friends away.

Now, I think, I am becoming a thriver. I have a happy marriage and a beautiful daughter. My relationships with my parents is now pretty good, and I see who they were and who they are now almost as different people. I can love and cherish the good people they are now, recognize the good they did then, and can forgive the wrong they did without excusing it or taking any blame on myself.

It's still hard sometimes. I still see my psychiatrist and will probably be on antidepressants my entire life. I still see my therapist every two weeks. Mostly these days it's couple's therapy with my husband, as most of my remaining survivor's issues impact certain aspects of our relationship. I still have my headaches and bouts of anorexia, especially when upset or emotionally stressed by something. But I see hope, where I never used to. I have learned to care about myself, and to realize that people depend on me and love me and my presence in the world would be missed. I see hope in my daughter's eyes.

For those of you that need some help taking that first step towards therapy and survival, remember, it took enormous courage and strength for you to survive at all. You can make it through recovery, too. Hopefully the link at the bottom can help you take those first steps. 

• RAINN -- The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. Unlock the Silence.

    

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